To be Haunted
by ChoCedric
Summary: "How can he be the same person?" Sirius whispers, and Remus's heart twists at how broken he sounds. "What happened to little Peter, who used to stuff his face with chocolate until he was sick? God, what went so wrong?"


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

To Be Haunted

By: ChoCedric

"NOOOOOO!"

Remus bolts awake, instantly alert. He has always been a light sleeper, and tonight especially, he went to sleep aware of the guest staying in his flat, a guest who has not been here in many, many years, a guest who he was sure would be having nightmares.

"NOOOO! HARRY! HARRY!"

With increasing alarm, Remus hurriedly leaves his couch in his living room, where he has been sleeping, and hurries to his own room, where he set up the bed for Sirius. The screaming of Harry's name continues all the way there, and his heart gives a pang as his mind goes through all kinds of horrific possibilities at what Sirius could be dreaming about.

"NOOO! HARRY, WAKE UP! Oh Merlin, Harry, you can't be dead, no, you can't be dead, Merlin, you ..."

"Sirius, wake up," Remus says softly, gently shaking his friend's shoulders. "Pads, it's just a dream, please wake up."

This time, it is Sirius who bolts up, his eyes wild. He takes a moment to view his surroundings, and then his gaze lands on Remus who is standing over him. "R-Remus?" he stammers, and Remus realizes with another jolt that Sirius is shaking all over.

"It's okay, Padfoot," Remus says soothingly, putting an arm around the quivering man. "Everything's okay. If you don't mind me asking ... what were you dreaming about?"

"Wormtail ... killed Harry ..." Sirius gasps out, his eyes shadowed. "He ... he killed him, instead of the Diggory boy."

Pain engulfs Remus's heart again as he slowly sits beside Sirius. "Harry's alive," he says gently. "It's okay. It was just a dream."

Sirius is silent for a moment, staring fixedly at a spot just over Remus's shoulder. "Oh God," he finally says, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Remus, I know this is awful, but ..."

"What?" Remus asks quietly, having an idea what Sirius will say because, with a profound sense of guilt seizing him, he feels the same way.

"I'm glad it wasn't Harry," Sirius says, confirming Remus's guess. "But I feel awful for saying it, because Diggory ... his parents, his friends ... Merlin, it's awful. But I'm just glad it wasn't our Harry."

"I know, Pads, I know," Remus admits, sighing deeply.

Another silence descends on the two reunited friends, only broken by Sirius's ragged breathing. His friend is still trying to recover from the awful nightmare he's had, and Remus understands. He'll let him take as long as he needs, because, by God, they both need a friend right now.

Finally, Sirius looks at Remus, and the expression on his face is indescribable. "How can he be the same person?" he whispers, and Remus's heart twists as he hears how broken he sounds. "What happened to little Peter, who used to stuff his face with chocolate until he was sick? God, what went so wrong?"

Remus feels as though he is ready to cry, to put his head in his hands and sob and sob because this isn't right, this is so not right, that the boisterous, charismatic Sirius Black has been reduced to this, to this man who looks so deadened that Azkaban practically radiates from him, and ghosts are reflected in his eyes whenever his gaze meets Remus's. When the war had been raging years ago and Remus had been imagining scenarios in his head of how things could end, he never, never, never imagined this. "I don't know," he murmurs, and it sounds so pathetic, so pitiful, coming from his mouth, he, Remus Lupin, who his friends had called wise beyond his years, but he doesn't feel very wise right now. He is searching for answers, for answers to questions that he and Sirius will never find, and the pain that rips through him at that moment is worse than any transformation he has ever endured.

"We thought we were so invincible, didn't we?" Sirius's voice is still soft and broken, his gray eyes still haunted with the ghosts and demons of the past thirteen years. "We were so arrogant, so foolish. We never thought any of us would fall, that we'd live forever. Merlin ... why didn't I realize it about Peter? Why didn't I realize he was leaving us, that he was shattering right before our eyes?"

Without warning, his eyes grow even colder, and his face becomes the picture of rage. He jumps to his feet, and begins to pace the room. Remus gets up with him, but he knows instinctively that trying to calm him will not do much. He just has to ride it out with him, to let his friend vent all the frustration he has been holding in.

"God, Moony, I'm so sorry!" Sirius shouts, his hands in fists as he paces erratically. "I'm sorry I didn't realize it was Peter all along, I'm sorry I ever suspected you ..."

"Sirius, I already forgave you for that," Remus tries, but Sirius continues right over him.

"I was such a fool!" he roars. "If you ask me why I believed that rat over you, believed all the lies he was spouting about you being a traitor, it was because ... because ... AARGHGHGHGHGH! I DON'T KNOW! It was because ... because ... I was too arrogant, too arrogant to realize that Peter was not stupid, not dumb, not a fool like I'd thought, I didn't realize he was so cunning and manipulative! You'd think, with me growing up in the family I'd grown up in, I'd know those traits all too well, but no! Instead I said such hurtful things to you, accused you of going dark, of letting your werewolf side take over, oh God, I was such a fool! And Peter ... I HATE PETER!" he screams, suddenly falling to his knees on the cold, hard floor, panting and gasping.

He takes a few moments to catch his breath, and then he speaks again. And the next words he speaks causes Remus to totally split in two, to hurt more than he ever thought was humanly possible.

"I hate Peter," Sirius repeats, his voice now an almost inaudible whisper. "But I hate myself more."

And with that, the strong, brave Sirius Black, who was taught never to show emotion, puts his head in his hands, and starts to cry.

And Remus is by his side in a second, putting his arms around him, letting the man lean against him. And every thought, every resentful thought, every spark of anger that Remus has felt toward Sirius over the years dissipates, because he knows that his friend has paid for the mistakes he's made more than anyone should be meant to. He doesn't deserve this at all, and it breaks Remus into a million shattered pieces to see his once confident companion so fragile and vulnerable. He hugs Sirius's emaciated frame until the tears finally abate, knowing that he will never doubt him ever again.

When it's finally over, Sirius lifts his head from Remus's shoulder. "Better?" Remus asks gently.

"Yeah. ... Merlin, I'm sorry," Sirius says ashamedly.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Pads," Remus reassures him. "Nothing at all."

And as he stares into Sirius's gray eyes once more, he vows to himself that he will do all he can to help him recover from the haunting ghosts of Azkaban. And he can see from the look in Sirius's eyes that he appreciates it, and all the mistakes of the past have been forgiven, once and for all. The road they are travelling down will be long and treacherous, but now that they are reunited, they know they can make it.

"Brothers?" Remus asks, a gentle smile on his face as he squeezes Sirius's shoulder.

And Sirius, looking emotionally exhausted but exceedingly grateful, smiles softly back.

"Brothers."

Author's Note: Tears are actually in my eyes now; that was a very emotional story to write. Please give me feedback, I'm really anxious to know how I did! Thank you so much for reading and have a wonderful day.


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